做好心……


今日仍然SL,本來可以唔理我上司,由得佢死,但於心不忍,兼同CD夾咗今日拍團體照,不想阻人,所以返咗去。但係都真係…..= =" 以下係我同我家姐的對話,我告訴她今早的情況,綜合了後成文:
 
我今朝返咗輪工, 本來今朝CD要拍團體照,但昨日有佢哋嘅同事入咗廠,ML(我上司)又唔通知我,等我批晒盪返去添。咁要同佢對我啲大假同電郵啦!梗係舞女做旗袍,非改不可,張電郵改到超無聊咁出啦!佢仲不不斷咁問我啲病假係因乜事放喎?
咁我前前後後講咗四次上呼吸道感染佢都仲問。原來佢嘅記憶只去到我之前話喉嚨好似有點嘢唔退….聽講係兩三週前的事!= ="又問我今次攞幾多日病假?我話咪兩日囉!問我有冇病假紙,我話有呀。咁攞出嚟比佢睇,我話我唔需要出示病假紙喎,因為只係兩天病假。佢話要澄清,我話好,歡迎之至。心諗,你個懵上司月頭先踩氹嚟之嘛,咪你兩位單身貴族衰埋同一科囉。

我姐說 : 保持平靜,學習接納她暫時無能力改變兼且她尚在忿怒中,`學習耶穌,寬恕她吧,因為她所作的她不知道。親愛的妹妹,你要感謝天主,你得半條人命都勁過很多人。
 
咁我又繼續同我姐講,我今日不知幾平靜呀,佢一啲位都入唔到我呀!
 
佢又問我昨日留言請病假點講咗啲乜?我話,我昨日的留言係話我唔係好舒服,要請一天病假。今朝個留言係,我醫生開埋今日病假比我,但我知CD要拍照,你又需要同我對大假,咁我盡量九點半前返到。 佢又再問我乜嘢病?XDXDXDXD勁無奈呀!
 又話嗰日攞我去年預算大假表是啱的,我即答,我冇話你錯,但你應該問C攞。佢話佢最快的程序就係問我攞。我話我冇keep。佢話你冇keep一件事,總之我最快係問你攞。我話,最合適的途徑係問C,我都係要問KWH同事摷之嘛。佢就話我啲嘢咁死板,冇彈性。我話:ML,所以我當日都冇同你拗吖,冇話唔搵比你吖,仲立即叫KWH傳過嚟比你 la,我係好有彈性嘅人嚟格。
 對晒啲假後,我比佢簽,佢又叫我等佢對埋先,我話不如你慢慢對,我返工先傳真,我今日係不應出現的,我攰到真係得番半條人命。佢又問我可否交月結比佢,我心諗,你傻嘅咩!我答,唔好意思呀,我諗唔得 lu~,咁佢叫我6號之前交,我話好,我5號返嚟做,佢話我唔理你吖,總之6號你要交到比我。(佢自己經常26號都未交到)
 最後佢仲話呀:我今日要你返嚟,係因為我要好清楚你啲假先可以出電郵,你唔好話我唔理你病到咁都要你返嚟呀。我話:ML,我已經好清楚喺個留言度講咗,知道今日CD拍照,亦知你要面對面傾嘅,所以我自願返嚟,如果我唔自願,我係唔會返嚟,你都迫我唔到。所以我冇咁諗過。係我自願返嚟嘅。
 
 跟住佢叫我走,我話未得喎,仲有個Refer要交喎。咁張referral form我啲字鬼五馬六咁,佢又好唔滿意啦!我解釋,ML,當日我係病房,連企都差啲企唔穩呀,所以好勉力先寫到呢段嘢,姑娘嗰張係好些少嘅。佢話我以為呢張係比姑娘嘅,所以叫你一筆筆咁寫。我話我已盡力格嘞,我都差啲躀低咁滯,所以自己嗰張肉酸啲囉。
仲有仲有,佢問除咗佢有冇人搵過我喎,我問公事定私事,佢話梗係公事,我話冇喎。佢話好難搵我,我話係呀,我熄晒電話瞓覺。佢又問我幾點收到佢搵我,咪六點幾起身時囉!= ="
 哈哈,我最強的病徵係:坐到一半我要著住件抓毛外套同佢傾,係佢從未見過嘅!死未!雖然我化行晒妝,但身子都係弱呀!
 啲人真係呢…..我都無話可說,查實我真係太好人,因為病係我嘅私隱,我根本無需同佢解釋咁多。

Disappointed


Yesterday, I struggled for: go work or not? Honestly, after two days emotion released, I do feel tired. After considered that I want to discuss face to face to my boss, even I feel sick, I still went to work.
 
We talked, but it’s not a happy talked.
 
She still stand firm on her ground. Her attitude was not good, though, I shouldn’t expect too much. She still not concern my situation. When we talked about one thing, my tears brutst out again.
 
One or two weeks ago, she told me I was being black listed by our Commission coz my sick leaves! Wednesday, I went asked my ES directly, and she told me, it’s my boss want to emphasis her power of speech! LIER!!!!
 
I told them seperately, didn’t you know that how many night I couldn’t get sleep coz of these words?
 
It break my trust to my boss! For God’s sake, what kind of job we’re serving?
 
I told my boss, ML, I don’t need your care, but, please accept I AM A PATIENT, TOO!
 
What’s her response?
 
She said: " If I made you sad that day, I may say sorry to you. but my charater is like that, if you ask me will I still doing like that next time?  I will say SURE, if next time like that, I still doing so!"
 
What kind of woman?
 
My most disappointed thing is her lie! And also the turst I to her. The other thing is, we are pastoral workers, even near ppl we can’t care, how can we care the patients? We are Catholics, if we can’t follow Jesus said to love one to another, neighbours, enimies, then, our faith is empty and lie!
 
I understand she’s a kind of very sturbun lady, so I try my best to fit her requirement, on a reasonable grounded. However, so much things stack together and made me down at last .
 
I do also understand that, it’s also difficult for her to accept a lady stand on very front trend as me to do a pastoral care service.
 
World always change, we need to accept new things. For me, I have the experience to stay with stubbun ppl, so I know I will change but not her.
 
But I still disappointed with a pasotral care worker like this! Cool, feelingless, unconcern and without love! Oh, no, she’s just sexual! I’m not her cup of tea, so I being take out from her concern list, that’s all.
 

Gloomy Day


I’ve suffered mood disorder for a period, recently, under treatment, is very stable.
 
Today, (25 June), my boss challenged me all the way, said words unfriendly. She thought that I was pretended sick! That’s God’s gift to present me a face never look sick even when I was having the chemotherapy for cancer. So, high fever is not a big deal!
 
The whole mornig we stayed in a bad atmosphere. I did cry a bit coz i felt she’s not understanding and couldn’t communicate. She sat beside me to "intruct" me to make a schedule of my SL or AL and CT. I did suggest her to put down the paper and let me do by myself, then she may check afterwards but she refused. Later, I started lost my temper and with frustrated emotion. When lunch hour came, i brought along my phone and sat in the small garden outside my office.
 
I started to cry, couldn’t stop. Thinking how to do, I really felt angry and being not in trust. Then I called my dearest buddy P. She’s so worried about my condition and advise me to call our Executive Secretary. ES invited me go head quarter immediately. First she was worrying where was I then she afraid I did something to hurt myself. Also, my emotion was not suitable to back to work.
 
On the way to CMC, I cried and cried, and talked with 3 angels then started calm down. When I arrived headquarter, ES was prepared to go out, she handed me to new Supervisor E who I in turst her and she’s very care me. We hug for nearly 2 mins, weeping. She let me flow my words and anger, at last, we both found that I was too concern to others. And they suggested me to take some more SL.
 
I know my boss will meet ES tmr morning. I won’t care what she say, I already try my best to fit in the post, but she’s not considerable. I already lost myself here, but I need and hope to stand up again. No matter how their movement–may be transfer me again, fine. But that’s really not my problem.
 
Another sad thing is: we are being in a care ministry, how come we care others but not our colleagues? Really disappointed. I’m sure that: if today, my boss visited a patient in hospital with same situation like me, her compassion and empathy will tell the patient to take good care and she will care she / he a lot. Also, she will help to support this patient to care her / his health first than work. But, I’m not a in-hospital patient now! I was so disappointed!!!!!
 
Luckily, God gave me some hints:
1. He know what will happen and help us to prepare: I have no appetit to take lunch after so angry things,  I seldom take a full b’fast for a long time, but i have one this morning;
2. He will send His love and care through His Tools: Many angels through msn to care and support me! thanks to all of you, my dearest friends;
3. He will comfort me in another way: my sister knew that, she buy me dinner and accompany for serveal hours;
4. He always remind me I really wealth: I have buddies who love and support me, through this issue, I more confirm most of my colleagues love and care me so much. I may talk with them, I may have dinner with my sisster, and i received some liquer from W.
 
Still have many, but i just have these examples are enough!
 
THANKS SO MUCH! THANKS TO YOU ALL! LOVE YOU ALL!

有朋自遠方來──阿索與阿喪


索終於按捺不住,帶母攜女由澳來探我,當然招呼母女在我家住,伯有在我同學仔家住,亦是她們的親戚,嘻,閉門一家親。
 
帶了她們去了自己本堂和大埔,吃好東西,玩笑玩笑的,過了兩天,她給我起名『阿喪』,蓋我逗得她們不亦樂乎。
 
我最怕招呼得她們不週,不過,我們網上情緣也已六至八年,和她姑姐我同學也認識了九年,也不大關係,連小格格和小公主也十分投契。小格格回家後告訴我很開心,會永遠記得來探過我,使我十分感動。
 
索在blog寫了我,真叫我悲哀!因為:她說我該是個男人!= ="
 
作為一個女人,找不到倚傍,不是我的錯,究竟是有雞先還是蛋先,已無從考究。從小覺得男人靠不住,然後又找不到男人可依靠,惡性循環。索最後的評語是:觀乎 T 的外貌和我綜合我所言,她認為即使 T 苦苦哀求,我不應,再收回他。我說:即使他苦苦哀求回來,我也不會接納。我壓根兒已無法與他共處。
 
很想越來越少寫 T 了!其實已在做!無論他做了些甚麼令我氣結的或進步的,近期我也少寫他了,目標:不用再寫他!
 

關顧


今早覆診,出門前與友人MSN,他囑我最好下午上班,蓋以他為人上司,不喜歡下屬常假。我回他說:有時覺得真奇怪!他訝異。
 
我們做的是關顧人靈的工作,對病者,我們瞭解他們的處境和苦況,會支持他們休息。可笑的是,當同工們生病時,能明瞭同工病苦的,又有多少人?誰來關顧我們?
 
就是因為每次病都不好好休養至好,我已反覆地病了又病,仍會叫人以為我裝病,因為我病的樣子,與平常沒有兩樣,真致命!
 
C醫生想我休到下週二覆診為此,實在為我是大難題。但我今早行去坐車時,已是輕飄飄的,迷迷糊。坐著也在冒汗
。心裡掙扎了一輪,我還是只要了今天病假,明天因為只有我一人當班,所以,必然要回去。我做這些決定時,又不會大鑼大鼓的告訴人我怎樣的犧牲,當然,我不是邀功;然而,當一些話回頭時,總叫我不被理解。
 
數天前,我和上司對假期,她也頗有微言。但,我也沒法度,最後,我只有告訴她,我就是知道只有她和我相依為命,我才找出一個只放半天的辦法。可是,她仍是不滿意。
 
豈能盡如人意,但求無愧於心。
 

6月20日 晴….但病


唉,病!發燒,在家探102.9,在醫生處38.8,即係幾多度?有人可以話我知嗎?

混身上下包括喉嚨痛得很,但今次毫不影響聲線,要不是整天睡的緣故,你甚至不會察覺我在病。= ="

這是我的命傷!我的樣子看不似病,於是無人信我病。嘩,今早幾辛苦,老C醫生今天沒空,於是半死咁緩慢走出去找醫生指定的替工S醫生睇住先,幸好佢都好好人,但因為心跳有點問題,他紀錄在案;血壓則是正常的。

但星期二晚就喎呵咯,轉一轉身痛醒,吞啖口水又痛醒,發燒發到發瘟。終於起身,六點幾打比同事,佢慘叫到我差啲要立即返工同佢搞定啲嘢咁滯。但仲有單拍照,咪玩啦,得番半條人命,連打扮的氣力也沒有,最好唔好影。佢終於放過我,感謝天主。

心想,不是辦法,連去方便也無力咁滯,仲搞到成身大汗。速速去S醫生處,搞掂就打道回府。家姐叫我別給N知我在家,呵,話口未完佢已蒲頭。但她真的很乖,我告訴她我病,她不斷叫我快點好起來,她好擔心,又問我究竟幾時好,因為佢好想同我瞓…….= =",女兒的話,雖則有她的目的 ,但依然叫我甜在心。

本來要見家長,唯有改期。中心姑娘來電,她最擔心是N日後的安排,我給她派了定心丸:已取得醫生証明N是自閉症,佢立即放心。我等醒目家長,點會唔理懶懶閒吖。N是我的心肝,點會坐視不理。我從不介懷她是自閉童,最緊要政府繼續比資源佢,that’s all!

另,謝謝E,不斷MSN和來電問候,我好了點,明天會更好。

p.s. 我是整天的睡,但會起來吃藥,現在就是啦,別以為我沒休息啊。 一陣又去昏迷……

amazing and others


Check my statistic, there’re over 75 visitor visited my blog today. 75 visitors? Am my eyes have problem???
 
Wow, that’s really a record. However I wonder who read them? Hey, pls drop me a line la, so mystery.
 
Another mystery things, some new friends know from Tagged. The mystery things are: they all claims love me! What a big surprise!
 
One’s name Taner, he’s lovely, and a kind of a bit jealousy. Per his request, write something about him. What’s his attractive point? He always try to make me smile. And his job is quite special: a Food Engineer.
 
I surprised that men’s brain is so easy to fall in love. May be I can’t believe, I must take time to understand and have communication before date. I hate those who say love but only talk sex.
 
Anyway, I like to know some more friends, in case just only frankly chat. Those who have special need or blue thinker, pls don’t chat me!

峰廻路轉


從來,我的感情生活都撲朔迷離。
 
年輕時,男友多的是。我結婚前,本來已有計劃獨身,現在,又回復獨身。婚前,我亦早預言,我會是到40歲依舊有許多人追求的人。今,我快近39了,仍有追求者。
 
本來昨晚約了D,他也給我發了短訊說會找我,然而,最後,消聲匿跡。我不介意你不找我,但我介意無交帶。到今天都未有一個電話。幸好我一早說清楚要瞭解他多一些,因此,我未有任何不快。
 
在追求者當中,也有越洋的,哈,叫我去T國,不了啦!大部份都細過我,我又唔識人家的風土,況且,網絡朋友吧,怎可做人世?
 
我終於也向你表白了!為大家有一個明白。你問我會受不了嗎?我只能說:我甘心情願。若大家早點坦白,可能不會有那些事發生。
 
今天發燒,在姐家昏迷了一輪。晚上又去叔叔家搭棚…..嘻嘻,前天才搭完。他們說很久沒見到T,問 N 他在哪?我趁機告訴他們,我們分居了。他們有剎那錯愕,然後沉默。說了也好,不用再常常問他來勿來。
 
一份思念,常藏於心底,一片深情,已然溢於面。能騙到誰?
 
我的寂寞寫在臉上,已達死線,連青年們也接二連三的關注起我了。我之前還道是因為 T 久不久的脫線表現,但原來是另一件事,我現在知道了。你叫我別著急,慢慢找尋春天,事實是:我從不急於尋春。有與無,不大影響。但,我知我需要一個可靠的肩膀借我倚倚喘息,太累了。
 
昨晚,亦在思量 D 是否有機?但,我知他的機會現在降級了…… How about J? 他是很慢熱的人,和我必然做到好朋友,其他,我猜我也並不太合他,但,十分感激他的照顧和支持。
 
太多事在這數天湧現,叫我招架不住……
 
變幻原是永恆………

忘情


忘情

作詞:黃霑   作曲:黃霑


忘情不可以不可以不
不可再受傷創痛
不可以不可再痛
不可再這樣
當初甜蜜陣陣已像香水
濃烈飄過余香消逝逝
就不再香只好忘情
當天你當天我都
心中有幻想變了
今天你今天我變
心中已變樣當初暖火
陣陣已像戀愛狂熱燒過
余溫消逝就變模樣
種種錯失請你原諒
請你盡忘不再回望
請寬恕并忘情不想你不想我心
心中再受傷過了
當天已當天已過
今天已兩樣當初笑聲
陣陣已像歌曲旋律飄過
余音消逝就不再響

一些事,一些情


時光過的真快,眨眼已是端午節臨近…..
 
這數天有點踩在雲端的感覺,仿佛一切都很不踏實。昨晚半睡半醒著,答了兩個電話,舌頭打結,實在太累。
 
勵精圖治下,減了些許磅數,但,別問我減了多少,蓋 T 上倘把我的磅踏壞了,我還沒能買過隻。那還是大口仔20週年版…..= ="
 
還要再看多兩週有關我上呼吸道病症的覆診,希望不會給人祭旗,因為有人說我已被列入了黑名單喎,查證查證。另,我懷疑有人對CK 說了些搧風的話,我決意要揭穿此事!
 
D半隻中文字都不懂看,可以說好又說不好啦。起碼他不會知我寫甚麼,但,要花好多時間轉台才能和他溝通,有時都幾攰。

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